B u r n l o g

This Brad Bynum chap has that whole “tellin’ like it is” thing going for him. It’s so funny ’cause it’s true: 10 Things I Hate About Burning Man.

Snips:

I also overheard somebody say, “I only ride a bike for a week once a year.” Perhaps this is why so many BRC cyclists ride like unilluminated maniacs and are completely discourteous to other bicyclists, not to mention foot traffic.

…it seems like whenever I’m enjoying an extra intimate moment with my friends—you know, when we’re talking about our feelings or something—some jerk will walk into the camp, proudly displaying his shaved scrotum and offering up free tantric massages.

Burner yahoos are the ones that are always telling stories that begin “This one time at Burning Man” and end “I guess you had to be there.” They’re the ones with “playa names” like Captain Pajama Pants. The basic rule of playa names is that it has to be something really stupid that you say like it’s really cool. They’re also the ones who say, “Welcome Home,” which is about the most ridiculous greeting ever. They’re also the ones who operate under the insane delusion that Burning Man is anything other than a big party.

Of course, Center Camp is a whole other scene of horrible music: the caterwauling of some deluded, hairy-pitted, folk-chick wannabe on the open-mic stage, a bunch of drum circle jerks in the middle, and whatever unintelligible nonsense the café volunteers are blasting. Then, in the middle of this total cacophony, there’s a bunch of charlatans showing off their ability to meditate. Isn’t meditation based on introspection and listening to the internal rhythms of the body, the lungs and the heart? Why the heck would you chose to do it in Center Camp?

I was cruising down the Esplanade, when some dude wearing bunny ears, holding a red plastic bowling pin walks up and asks me, “Would you like your spanking now?”

“No.”

“OK, fine. go participate somewhere else. Welcome to Burning Man! Don’t come back next year!”

So because I don’t want to participate in your pathetic display of pseudo-sexuality, you think I’m an uptight drag on Burning Man? Well, I’ve got news for you, buddy: Your “participation” contribution adds nothing. There are a thousand places on the playa to get a spanking, why the hell would I want one from you?